Hi guys!
A few of you have noticed that I’ve taken a step back from social media
and my blog for a while, but have no fear, I haven’t stopped! I’ve
just been taking the last month to settle in to a new job and then had a bit of
a hiccup, as I fell a little poorly and have been trying to deal with that over
the past 2-3 weeks. Nothing to worry about, I’ll be fine - just something I
need to adjust to. Alongside me being unwell, has come a lot of stress and
emotion that I haven’t felt for quite some time. This has reminded me that I’ve
wanted to write something about this for a while now. For those who would like
to read, I’d like to open up and share a little bit more about myself!
This
is by no means an easy post for me to write, to leave it here for everyone out
there to read and scrutinise as they wish, but it’s something I feel very
strongly about and it’s important to always keep raising awareness. I vowed
from the day I started my blog to make content that people would (hopefully)
find useful, and that’s my ultimate aim here. I will pre-warn you that I’m a
rubbish story teller, and the more I read the post back the more I feel like it
has no clear purpose of where it’s going, but I’m going to do it anyway.
To
cut it short, I suffer with general anxiety disorder (GAD). It affects my daily
life in ways that some people simply won’t and don’t understand, though I’m
hoping my little post will help shed some light on the subject. My story here
is purely personal. The way I have approached and dealt with it over the years
is by no means a recommendation to anyone else because, surprise, I am not a
doctor and there is no “one size fits all” approach to mental health. You just
do you babes.
Anxiety
is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe.
GAD is a long-term condition that causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than one specific event.
I just want to tell you a little bit
about my journey and then discuss the other bits and bobs that I feel
are important, things that people might not know, things that help etc. I’ll
just take it from the beginning and where I think it first started.
I
first noticed signs that something wasn’t right when I was maybe around 15,
still at school and now amongst the worry of my GCSE’s. I don’t have the best
memory, I just recall it being a very confusing time for me. Looking back, I
can notice signs of it much earlier than this, but late school years were definitely when anxiety started to rear it’s ugly head. I wondered why I was so
overwhelmed all the time, why I would feel this uncontrollable dread, no matter
where I went or what I was doing. I had no idea about mental health at this age
and just ignored it and blamed it on the stress of school and expectations you
face as a teenager. I would often miss school days because I would get so upset
- over literally nothing! I couldn’t pin point what was making me feel that way. When it came around, I even dropped out of sixth form. I felt as though I
wasn’t good at anything I chose to study and would get upset most days before
going. It was a lot of pressure for me and the stress of that made me
miserable, so I took myself out of the situation.
It
took some time but eventually I accepted that it wasn’t just mood swings and
had to try and do something about it. I did a bit of a google deep dive in to
what I was feeling and experiencing and mental health in general. Every avenue
would take me to something called anxiety. At this age I just thought anxiety
was just a temporary feeling and not an actual disorder, so I read in to it. I
grew to knew the symptoms I was feeling, but didn’t know much about how to
prevent or control them. I often suffered from panic attacks at the most random
of times, from being alone in my room to being out with friends. Finding myself
struggling to catch my breath as I cried, went dizzy and rocked back and forth
over what felt like forever, though it probably only lasted 5 or 10 minutes.
The
panic attacks became more frequent and I became so fed up of them, so I did take myself to a doctor. I tried many avenues like taking medication, lifestyle changes, even guided meditation, but the thing that helped me the most was counselling.
I
went to counselling every week for a couple of months just over a year ago. I
can’t explain how weird it is to tell your whole life to someone you’ve never
seen before, but I would walk out of there each week with a tremendous weight
lifted off of my shoulders. Whilst having one on one therapy I learnt my
“triggers” a.k.a some of the situations or circumstances that set off my
anxiety, or cause me to panic. This helped me the most, because I know what
situations or environments I feel vulnerable in and can prepare myself should I
need to face them.
When
I felt like the initial stress had been lifted, the counselling did come to a
stop. I felt confident enough without it and wanted to see how I got on, on my
own. Some of you may find it mad that I stopped something that was obviously
helping me, but it’s all a learning curve and I felt great, so I didn’t feel
the need to continue.
Up
until now I’ve done pretty damn fine with little niggles here and there. Like I
discussed at the beginning, my boat has been a little rocked recently and
brought back some anxious thoughts and feelings which I’m working through. I have the best support system from my loved ones and friends (thank
you, you’re all diamonds) and I’ve currently got back in to some pretty cool
counselling again. I won’t dive in to specifics because this post isn’t about
that. The way I have been feeling just reminded me that anxiety is a side
effect of life, and other people might need help, or want to know more about
it, how it can start or different methods of approaching it.
Just to set the scene, here
are a couple of examples of the smaller things I struggle with that most people
might find odd, or not have even thought someone could worry about:
Travelling
an unfamiliar route on public transport:
Whether
it’s a different bus service than I’m used to using or a new destination by
train, it makes me quite uncomfortable. I have to be meticulous in my planning
of timings, how many stops before I get off etc. so that nothing can go wrong.
Then I still sit there and worry the whole way! When I feel myself start to
panic whilst surrounded by people I don’t know on a crowded, moving vehicle, it
does tend to make me want to panic even more. I used to point blank refuse
trying new routes or travelling somewhere I don’t know, so I’ve definitely
improved on this one and once I can drive, won’t have to do it at all! (every
cloud and all that jazz).
Posting
anything online:
Yes,
even these blog posts. Especially these blog posts, actually. Every time I hit
that publish button and share it I feel myself go hot all over - shut my laptop
and try to pretend that it doesn’t exist for the next hour. I feel like an
idiot every time I post something on Instagram or ask for peoples opinions on
my content, but it is something that does pay off and I do overall enjoy
immensely. It’s all worthwhile in the end, so I push myself through it and deal
with the short term stomach churning feeling of what people will think.
Basically,
I still worry until there’s nothing left to worry about, and then I worry some
more.. because surely there’s something to worry about, right? Anxiety keeps
the cogs in my mind constantly turning, thinking of worst case scenarios in any
situation.
To
prevent this, I like to keep my mind busy in order to keep the overthinking at
bay. My favourite things to wind my mind down and keep me calm are to watch
YouTube videos, spend time with family or have a nap. Everything is better
after a nap. Going to the gym reaaaallly helps keep the worries away, no matter
how little motivation I have. I also use a method called “grounding” if I ever
feel like I need to relax. It’s a 5 senses exercise which helps to distract my
mind and I can do it anywhere at any time without anyone knowing that I’m doing
it. Great for those busy important meetings you’re stuck in, or a crowded
event.
I’m
lucky that I now understand my anxiety more, I know what I need to do if I’m
having a low day and I understand the feeling will pass. I realise that this
whole page is probably looking quite long and bulky and I appreciate if you’re
still reading all the way down here, considering it's not like my usual posts. I’d like to do more on anxiety if this
goes down well, perhaps more about mindfulness or more detailed little things
that I find help. Let me know what you think.
I
apologise that this post is a bit erratic, a bit messy and my timeline of
events is all a bit jumbled in my head and on paper (or screen in this case),
but it’s all real and from the heart. I am such an open book and would love to
hear from you if you have any questions, just drop me a message on any social
media. I will link a couple of helpful advice and support websites at the bottom of this page if you’d like
some more official information. As I said, I’m only here to tell my personal
side. I thought it might be nice to read that the girl you used to go to school
with, or the one you work with, or the girl you follow on Twitter is going
through the same thing as you or someone you know. I know that it really helps me when I know someone that can relate to my problems.
Thank
you so much for reading!
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